Day from hell, can't go into details right now as too raw but sitting here, checking Twitter just to keep my mind going, boyfriend sat playing God of War 3 which seems to be violence & porn. I know people aren't mind readers but seriously my eyes are full of tears if he can take his eyes off the naked cyber breasts. Feel invisible, really not helping my worth.
Will fill you in more about my day tomorrow.
Thank you for reading, just having someone "listening" to my self indulgent crap means more than you know!
J x
Tuesday, 26 March 2013
Monday, 25 March 2013
The Ups & Downs
Why on Earth do I lurch from feeling haapy and optimistic to anxiouspanicky & edgy or even depressed & hopeless. "That's just depression they say". I've always wanted to know more about everything and never accepted "it just is" as an answer. I'm curious. I read just as much non-fiction as fiction. How do things work. What makes one mind work different to another? I've read the textbooks, I know the academic answers but it still just doesn't make sense. I want to know more!
In the meantime I'll keep reading, keep working on my mood journal things, CCI workbooks incase I can some day figure out a pattern. part of me thinks I won't get better until I have all the answers...we will see.
In the meantime I'll keep reading, keep working on my mood journal things, CCI workbooks incase I can some day figure out a pattern. part of me thinks I won't get better until I have all the answers...we will see.
Sunday, 24 March 2013
Busy Busy Busy
I have been busy since 8am & keeping at it - have guests coming at 6.30pm!
This will be a quick blog, I may be able to add to it later but there are cakes to be made and me to be made presentable in some shape - hard work I know!
I've found that as soon as I get anxious the kitchen is my saviour, not only am I making the pudding for the visit (it was being made for Sunday Baking Club anyway) but also I have made some choc orange cupcakes! Calmed me down!
Maybe more later...
J
This will be a quick blog, I may be able to add to it later but there are cakes to be made and me to be made presentable in some shape - hard work I know!
I've found that as soon as I get anxious the kitchen is my saviour, not only am I making the pudding for the visit (it was being made for Sunday Baking Club anyway) but also I have made some choc orange cupcakes! Calmed me down!
Maybe more later...
J
Saturday, 23 March 2013
Inspirational Lady
http://youtu.be/ANb8E2o9OdU
Please, please watch this video. Ilona is an amazing individual who campaigns against eating disorders of all kinds, not just the "obvious" ones portrayed by the media.
At school I was told I was stupid. I was compared to my sister and my friends who are now mainly doctors, solicitors, barristers, etc. But being told that day in day out by teachers really got to me, gave me low self esteem and this horrible recurring depression and anxiety cycle.
Anyway, one way that I thought I could be as good was to stay skinny, we were taught about Victorian waist sizes in history when we were about 14 and as I was "a late bloomer" I was the only one in the class who had a Victorian sized waist. Ah hah - this could be something I could be better at.
So I skipped breakfast telling my mum I'd get something at school. throw my lunch away or not bother going and then push my dinner around my plate. In my head I was telling myself I just wasn't hungry, didn't want to eat. Part of it was also my depression, not feeling worthy of eating. By the time I left home for Uni I was roughly 6stone and 5'4", I was slim but no one other than my mum commented on it. I got annoyed at her, I wasn't anorexic, I just didn't want to eat, I didn't feel like eating, anorexics have to go to hospital and won't eat anything at all, I ate something every day.
It was only on reading Ilona's article in April's Marie Claire that it clicked, I did have an ED, it was part of my depression but it was still an ED. This month I apologised to my mum and she said she knew, she worried and was pleased I had finally realised it.
I still have moments where I think I should lose weight, but I know I shouldn't I'm healthy, I have a good BMI and as my boyfriend tells me he loves my curves and I love being able to wear dresses and fill them rather than having bones sticking over the top.
Thank you Ilona!
J
Please, please watch this video. Ilona is an amazing individual who campaigns against eating disorders of all kinds, not just the "obvious" ones portrayed by the media.
At school I was told I was stupid. I was compared to my sister and my friends who are now mainly doctors, solicitors, barristers, etc. But being told that day in day out by teachers really got to me, gave me low self esteem and this horrible recurring depression and anxiety cycle.
Anyway, one way that I thought I could be as good was to stay skinny, we were taught about Victorian waist sizes in history when we were about 14 and as I was "a late bloomer" I was the only one in the class who had a Victorian sized waist. Ah hah - this could be something I could be better at.
So I skipped breakfast telling my mum I'd get something at school. throw my lunch away or not bother going and then push my dinner around my plate. In my head I was telling myself I just wasn't hungry, didn't want to eat. Part of it was also my depression, not feeling worthy of eating. By the time I left home for Uni I was roughly 6stone and 5'4", I was slim but no one other than my mum commented on it. I got annoyed at her, I wasn't anorexic, I just didn't want to eat, I didn't feel like eating, anorexics have to go to hospital and won't eat anything at all, I ate something every day.
It was only on reading Ilona's article in April's Marie Claire that it clicked, I did have an ED, it was part of my depression but it was still an ED. This month I apologised to my mum and she said she knew, she worried and was pleased I had finally realised it.
I still have moments where I think I should lose weight, but I know I shouldn't I'm healthy, I have a good BMI and as my boyfriend tells me he loves my curves and I love being able to wear dresses and fill them rather than having bones sticking over the top.
Thank you Ilona!
J
Positivity
Firstly let me apologise that so many of my blogs have been focussing on depression rather than my POTS but it has really taken over lately and I've been lucky enough because of the depression that I've not been going out much to catch germs, get tired and have spent time resting.
Again though things got low last night, I just felt like everything was pointless & I was driving people away. I keep getting new followers & then losing them on Twitter. I often wonder why people start following me and then what I do to drive them away, it's an open profile so why don't they just check it out first? Maybe it's because my Twitter is as diverse as I am, I love reading, writing, baking, I talk about my POTS, my depression, my anxiety, my dwindling faith in any hope of being able to survive and my frustration in politics. Maybe some people are just interested in one thing or another & give up when I talk about something I'm not interested in. I'm not tracking who is/isn't following me - I just have an urge to know why. Also maybe some may like my positive tweets and others may just like seeing someone moody. Who knows? As my therapist has said I can't know what people are thinking. But I still have this self esteem issue as to why? Anyway, as long as those I hold close stick with me then I don't really mind!
Anyway back to the POSITIVITY theme!
In addition to my 15 minute worry time, I'm going to have a 15 minute creative planning time (this may also include a to do list-but never shopping lists or cleaning lists) it's all about fun, positive things to move my life forward. I can't sit & cry every night anymore.
So a few of the things I have to do are:
Keep up with this blog & hopefully make it a bit more user friendly.
Keep writing in general.
Get back on my baking blog, baking email, baking twitter, etc.
Keep up with my mood journal.
Add to my positive book.
Sort out the many bookmarked pages on my computer.
Sort out the favourites on Twitter, which I say I'll read when I have more time!
Sort out my iPod!
There are more but I won't bore you more than I already have! I'm also going to make sure I don't try to over do things, if I don't do all this today (and I won't!) it doesn't make me bad, it makes me human and will save me some spoons for baking tomorrow! I'll do what I can in my own time and be pleased with whatever I have achieved - I started the month using #moosemarch but things got bad and I abandoned all sense of my own achievement.
Instead I will have an achievement list on here - if I can figure out how to have a separate list to just the posts. I do wish I was better with technology - although it is worrying that my mum, dad, their friends, my boyfriend and sister rely on me to help them with tech :-S.
Please keep your eyes peeled for any new updates.
Thanks
J
Again though things got low last night, I just felt like everything was pointless & I was driving people away. I keep getting new followers & then losing them on Twitter. I often wonder why people start following me and then what I do to drive them away, it's an open profile so why don't they just check it out first? Maybe it's because my Twitter is as diverse as I am, I love reading, writing, baking, I talk about my POTS, my depression, my anxiety, my dwindling faith in any hope of being able to survive and my frustration in politics. Maybe some people are just interested in one thing or another & give up when I talk about something I'm not interested in. I'm not tracking who is/isn't following me - I just have an urge to know why. Also maybe some may like my positive tweets and others may just like seeing someone moody. Who knows? As my therapist has said I can't know what people are thinking. But I still have this self esteem issue as to why? Anyway, as long as those I hold close stick with me then I don't really mind!
Anyway back to the POSITIVITY theme!
In addition to my 15 minute worry time, I'm going to have a 15 minute creative planning time (this may also include a to do list-but never shopping lists or cleaning lists) it's all about fun, positive things to move my life forward. I can't sit & cry every night anymore.
So a few of the things I have to do are:
Keep up with this blog & hopefully make it a bit more user friendly.
Keep writing in general.
Get back on my baking blog, baking email, baking twitter, etc.
Keep up with my mood journal.
Add to my positive book.
Sort out the many bookmarked pages on my computer.
Sort out the favourites on Twitter, which I say I'll read when I have more time!
Sort out my iPod!
There are more but I won't bore you more than I already have! I'm also going to make sure I don't try to over do things, if I don't do all this today (and I won't!) it doesn't make me bad, it makes me human and will save me some spoons for baking tomorrow! I'll do what I can in my own time and be pleased with whatever I have achieved - I started the month using #moosemarch but things got bad and I abandoned all sense of my own achievement.
Instead I will have an achievement list on here - if I can figure out how to have a separate list to just the posts. I do wish I was better with technology - although it is worrying that my mum, dad, their friends, my boyfriend and sister rely on me to help them with tech :-S.
Please keep your eyes peeled for any new updates.
Thanks
J
Friday, 22 March 2013
WTF is Schema?
Today has not been the best of days. A couple of misunderstandings. Trying to get my mum with her sore throat & still bleeding nose to stop running around, stop talking, sit down & give the phone to my dad. Therapy was weird. My therapist has been fantastic, he has given me so many tips and I was feeling like I was getting so far and now although I have a few ways to handle my anxiety and depression I've still regressed.
Thanks to the NHS we can only have a maximum of 18 sessions and we are very close to the end of these and acknowledges I need more help, so he has recommended I speak to one of his colleagues on Tuesday and then have a kind of farewell round up with him after. I will miss him, he had good tips, was a great support & we really got on.
The idea of schema scares me slightly, all I know is that it's an amalgamation of different therapies and group sessions were mentioned. I am TERRIFIED of group. I had bad experiences of it when I was in Leeds, I am scared of other people judging me, thinking what's she got to be depressed about, etc?
Even thinking about it makes me want to cry. I have to try it. I want to be better. I hate feeling like this and I know it doesn't help my POTS in the slightest. The more depressed and stressed I get the more POTSy I become, the more POTSy I become, the more anxious I become and then the more depressed I become. It is a horrible cycle where I'm afraid to leave the flat, am so dependant on my parents (to a stupid level - I'm 28 FFS), my friends are all married with kids and I am just going backwards.
My arm still hurts, my resting heart rate after lying in bed for 5 hours was 106 bpm which is the lowest it has been in ages (so that's one thing) but when I get up and move it goes beyond the crazy to the point where I am resting in the hall between my bedroom and the front room. I just feel so tired. I feel guilty complaining as I know there are so many other POTS/dysautonomia patients out there who are in worse conditions and have families to look after too, and I seriously take my hat off to them.
My brain does not shut up.
I want to achieve so much. I've made so many lists of things I want to do and achieve and I'm never going to do them.
God, this was all self-indulgent drivel. If anyone has bothered to read this, I'm sorry for wasting your time!
J
Thanks to the NHS we can only have a maximum of 18 sessions and we are very close to the end of these and acknowledges I need more help, so he has recommended I speak to one of his colleagues on Tuesday and then have a kind of farewell round up with him after. I will miss him, he had good tips, was a great support & we really got on.
The idea of schema scares me slightly, all I know is that it's an amalgamation of different therapies and group sessions were mentioned. I am TERRIFIED of group. I had bad experiences of it when I was in Leeds, I am scared of other people judging me, thinking what's she got to be depressed about, etc?
Even thinking about it makes me want to cry. I have to try it. I want to be better. I hate feeling like this and I know it doesn't help my POTS in the slightest. The more depressed and stressed I get the more POTSy I become, the more POTSy I become, the more anxious I become and then the more depressed I become. It is a horrible cycle where I'm afraid to leave the flat, am so dependant on my parents (to a stupid level - I'm 28 FFS), my friends are all married with kids and I am just going backwards.
My arm still hurts, my resting heart rate after lying in bed for 5 hours was 106 bpm which is the lowest it has been in ages (so that's one thing) but when I get up and move it goes beyond the crazy to the point where I am resting in the hall between my bedroom and the front room. I just feel so tired. I feel guilty complaining as I know there are so many other POTS/dysautonomia patients out there who are in worse conditions and have families to look after too, and I seriously take my hat off to them.
My brain does not shut up.
I want to achieve so much. I've made so many lists of things I want to do and achieve and I'm never going to do them.
God, this was all self-indulgent drivel. If anyone has bothered to read this, I'm sorry for wasting your time!
J
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