Well, not literally, my blog has moved to potsynotpotty.wordpress.com. I've just found it easier to use & make user friendly. Sorry for any inconvenience this has caused. I hope you continue to read my posts.
Thank you J x
Tuesday 16 April 2013
Friday 5 April 2013
The balancing act of sleep
Sleep has always been something of a mystery to me.
Apparently as a baby I would wake up at 2am and want to play, not be fed, not have attention, just some sort of stimulation. I drove my mum to the brink of despair! The doctor said I was just an intelligent child (he has since retired) and just leave some toys in my cot for me to play with. It all went well. I wasn't a child who needed to be woken up in the morning, in fact I was up before my parents (but had learnt to entertain myself).
When I got to my teenage years I just couldn't sleep, whether it was the depression, being a typical teenager, whatever, it just always eluded me. I was happy to survive on about 3 hours a night and that was fine...unless I was ill, then I would sleep and sleep.
To a large extent, it's like that now. Although instead of the 3 hours I need 7. Balancing the insomnia that comes along with depression with the need to sleep and collect more spoons is tricky. Under sleep not enough spoons, over sleep strangely not enough spoons.
I woke up at 7am and still a little tired so I thought I'd treat myself to another 40 winks, before I knew it it was 8.45am! Curses for sleeping so long, the extra two hours have made me more tired, headachey & with a general sense of malaise.
I have been productive though & tried out some new bakeware, not as successful as I would have hoped but we'll see how things go once it has been decorated. My main issue pre-decoration is shall I nap or not?
I'm shattered and have big days ahead Sunday, Monday, Tuesday & Wednesday all take me out of the flat. I have a throbbing headache but if I nap will it stop me sleeping later? Will I feel the need to stay up later and get in to some bizarre pattern? Will I make myself ill by not napping now when I am so exhausted? I hate that thoughts like this are constantly running through my head. That in itself makes me tired!
I don't want to change my sleep pattern, getting up between 6am and 7am is ideal to give me a couple of hours of quiet time and I like being in bed for 10pm and reading, then dozing. But then I'll go and use one too many spoons and need more rest or I'll feel edgy and anxious and not sleep so it all gets thrown into chaos.
I just wish sleep was as simple as it was as a child, I went to sleep and got up (bar the odd night terror & sleep walking which I still have today) it was much easier. Although so was life in general. If I tried telling three year old me I'd be worrying about sleeping so much she'd laugh but right now it definitely feels like no laughing matter.
Apparently as a baby I would wake up at 2am and want to play, not be fed, not have attention, just some sort of stimulation. I drove my mum to the brink of despair! The doctor said I was just an intelligent child (he has since retired) and just leave some toys in my cot for me to play with. It all went well. I wasn't a child who needed to be woken up in the morning, in fact I was up before my parents (but had learnt to entertain myself).
When I got to my teenage years I just couldn't sleep, whether it was the depression, being a typical teenager, whatever, it just always eluded me. I was happy to survive on about 3 hours a night and that was fine...unless I was ill, then I would sleep and sleep.
To a large extent, it's like that now. Although instead of the 3 hours I need 7. Balancing the insomnia that comes along with depression with the need to sleep and collect more spoons is tricky. Under sleep not enough spoons, over sleep strangely not enough spoons.
I woke up at 7am and still a little tired so I thought I'd treat myself to another 40 winks, before I knew it it was 8.45am! Curses for sleeping so long, the extra two hours have made me more tired, headachey & with a general sense of malaise.
I have been productive though & tried out some new bakeware, not as successful as I would have hoped but we'll see how things go once it has been decorated. My main issue pre-decoration is shall I nap or not?
I'm shattered and have big days ahead Sunday, Monday, Tuesday & Wednesday all take me out of the flat. I have a throbbing headache but if I nap will it stop me sleeping later? Will I feel the need to stay up later and get in to some bizarre pattern? Will I make myself ill by not napping now when I am so exhausted? I hate that thoughts like this are constantly running through my head. That in itself makes me tired!
I don't want to change my sleep pattern, getting up between 6am and 7am is ideal to give me a couple of hours of quiet time and I like being in bed for 10pm and reading, then dozing. But then I'll go and use one too many spoons and need more rest or I'll feel edgy and anxious and not sleep so it all gets thrown into chaos.
I just wish sleep was as simple as it was as a child, I went to sleep and got up (bar the odd night terror & sleep walking which I still have today) it was much easier. Although so was life in general. If I tried telling three year old me I'd be worrying about sleeping so much she'd laugh but right now it definitely feels like no laughing matter.
Thursday 4 April 2013
Pain, weakness and a little more pain
That basically sums up today. I woke up feeling fresher than I have in quite a while, which was amazing to me having spent a week in a foggy haze. I even got a little reading done!
Then my parents came to take us shopping as yes I still can't move my left arm properly without experiencing intense pain, well it's in pain when it's kept still too but hey that's my life. I was exhausted after spending just 30 minutes doing the weekly shop despite my boyfriend and parents doing the majority, I was basically there to pay.
They then came back for a coffee and I was nearly dropping off. Got a second burst of energy this afternoon but the pain is incredibly intense despite the medication.
So I have taken the afternoon easy as I want to get back in the kitchen soon, or do something productive at least as I feel like such a waste of space at the moment.
The news isn't helping calling everyone on benefits scroungers and unworthy members of society just furthers my depression and of course the cycle of depression and POTS continues. I've never wanted anyone to go through the misery that is depression, anxiety, POTS, etc but now I'm not so sure as the dreadful things some people are saying makes me feel they really need to experience them for themselves! Then maybe they'll understand.
Sorry my posts are still short one handed typing is hardwork!
Then my parents came to take us shopping as yes I still can't move my left arm properly without experiencing intense pain, well it's in pain when it's kept still too but hey that's my life. I was exhausted after spending just 30 minutes doing the weekly shop despite my boyfriend and parents doing the majority, I was basically there to pay.
They then came back for a coffee and I was nearly dropping off. Got a second burst of energy this afternoon but the pain is incredibly intense despite the medication.
So I have taken the afternoon easy as I want to get back in the kitchen soon, or do something productive at least as I feel like such a waste of space at the moment.
The news isn't helping calling everyone on benefits scroungers and unworthy members of society just furthers my depression and of course the cycle of depression and POTS continues. I've never wanted anyone to go through the misery that is depression, anxiety, POTS, etc but now I'm not so sure as the dreadful things some people are saying makes me feel they really need to experience them for themselves! Then maybe they'll understand.
Sorry my posts are still short one handed typing is hardwork!
Wednesday 3 April 2013
What's this? A little energy...finally!
Hello!
Sorry I've been quiet for a few days, although most of you have probably appreciated it :P but after the epic migraine of last week I have had so little energy that I just couldn't even focus to type.
Today Moosey http://thedepressedmoose.com/ gave me some inspiration, if he went to the gym, despite lacking any motivation or energy, I'd have to do something on my to do list - deal!
I started off easy, downloading a podcast. Why would I have such a simple thing on my list? Because my brain is a sieve. I really have no clue what is going on half the time! Then I built it up writing the first draft of my bio for my new website that my brother in law is kindly setting up for me & even bigger coming up with the list of cakes my alter ego (the one who wakes up with plenty of spoons) is going bake for Digging for Dementia http://diggingfordementia.com/ & then coming up with how much the ingredients will cost me & therefore how much she should charge. I'm not charging for my cakes, I just think it's a nicer thing to do than just give money to a charity, give them something from which they can make more money.
Anyway, I did a few other little things off the list so am satisfied with myself (including coming back to my blog). Who knows I may have some energy to read some of the blogs from other people.
It really is frustrating not knowing who I'm going to be tomorrow: depressed, anxious, lively, optimistic, exhausted, happy, in crippling pain, in bearable pain. I never know where the next pain is going to come from, I'm so looking forward to physio on Wednesday, this painful arm business has been going on far too long. I'm also looking forward to seeing Gill for my Schema assessment part 2. I didn't know how I was going to survive for the two weeks in between, but thanks to killer migraine I've not had the energy or capacity to think so I suppose that's one benefit :S.
Ok, so I'm going to pop off and see what some of my fellow bloggers have been up to lately.
Take care.
J x
Sorry I've been quiet for a few days, although most of you have probably appreciated it :P but after the epic migraine of last week I have had so little energy that I just couldn't even focus to type.
Today Moosey http://thedepressedmoose.com/ gave me some inspiration, if he went to the gym, despite lacking any motivation or energy, I'd have to do something on my to do list - deal!
I started off easy, downloading a podcast. Why would I have such a simple thing on my list? Because my brain is a sieve. I really have no clue what is going on half the time! Then I built it up writing the first draft of my bio for my new website that my brother in law is kindly setting up for me & even bigger coming up with the list of cakes my alter ego (the one who wakes up with plenty of spoons) is going bake for Digging for Dementia http://diggingfordementia.com/ & then coming up with how much the ingredients will cost me & therefore how much she should charge. I'm not charging for my cakes, I just think it's a nicer thing to do than just give money to a charity, give them something from which they can make more money.
Anyway, I did a few other little things off the list so am satisfied with myself (including coming back to my blog). Who knows I may have some energy to read some of the blogs from other people.
It really is frustrating not knowing who I'm going to be tomorrow: depressed, anxious, lively, optimistic, exhausted, happy, in crippling pain, in bearable pain. I never know where the next pain is going to come from, I'm so looking forward to physio on Wednesday, this painful arm business has been going on far too long. I'm also looking forward to seeing Gill for my Schema assessment part 2. I didn't know how I was going to survive for the two weeks in between, but thanks to killer migraine I've not had the energy or capacity to think so I suppose that's one benefit :S.
Ok, so I'm going to pop off and see what some of my fellow bloggers have been up to lately.
Take care.
J x
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