Yesterday afternoon/evening I thought I was getting back on track. I went swimming, I love the water so much that I'm sure I'm part fish, there is an amazing calming influence about it. Also as my doctors won't prescribe me any beta blockers for my tachycardia due to the possibility of lowering my blood pressure exercise training was suggested and swimming is a nice gentle way to do this.
I've always loved swimming, however, I first came across water as a form of therapy for me when I was 17. This was when I was first diagnosed as depressed, I won't go into the whole how it came about here as I will go off on so many tangents that I will forget why I am posting in the first place. Although maybe that's a good idea to get my mind off why I am feeling "aaaargh" in the first place.
Apologies that my blog does turn into a stream of consciousness sometimes.
Anyway, yes, as I was saying, I had been having a particularly bad day, a hell of an Ancient Greek A Level exam (enough to send anyone over the edge) and just felt I couldn't cope. I was in floods of tears and had no clue what to do. I got home and for some reason, I have no idea why, just got in the shower (fully dressed). Ever since when things get too much I try to get to water (although now try not to get my clothes wet) whether it be going to the bathroom and splashing water on my face when I'm feeling anxious out and about or at a friend's house or getting a shower so that my sobbing is eventually washed away by the water from the shower.
Today, however, I woke up and couldn't actually wake up. My body was drained thanks in part to the physical exercise and the other part thanks to my vivid, never ending nightmares. I was back at work, somehow, and everyone was judging me, I'd messed up some work (despite it was my first day back in months!). I should have known it was a dream as I had a red bra on under a white shirt (I would never ever make this faux pas!) At least looking back that part makes me laugh!
I am feeling so edgy today, I wanted to go swimming again today but think my body needs to rest. I can't sit still though, my brain is running a mile a minute, I lost an earring yesterday and am beating myself up about it, the "Limited Capability for Work Questionnaire" is hanging over me like the biggest albatross (I feel about the size of the mice from The Rescuers!).
And breathe...
I am going to have to go and find some Rescue Remedy and try some mindfulness techniques before I literally explode, my heart is beating so fast, my chest hurts and I feel like I'm going to be sick.
Just another day in the POTSy world of JamJar.
J
Thursday 28 February 2013
Wednesday 27 February 2013
When you're the only one in the world who is awake
Last night was rough. Although for having had a few hours sleep I feel ok.
I knew there was no way I would sleep last night so when the bf went to bed I stayed up reading, writing, thinking. I know the latter wasn't productive but it can't always be helped. I've had so many tips on how to put these thoughts out of my head; mindfulness, delaying tactics, etc but there are times that nothing works and last night was one of them.
I felt like I was the only person in the world who was awake (although obviously I wasn't, I know the concept of time zones and even the fact that there are millions of people in the UK who were probably awake too). I have a couple of friends who say "call me anytime if you need me" but I never can, it's the times where you're at your worst when you need them the most but don't feel good enough to contact them. If the situation was reversed I'd feel awful that they couldn't contact me. Ah my brain!
I even have a friend in the US who I could have contacted but what would I have said?
Instead I buried my head in my book for a while, not the most helpful, as enjoyable as the book is I reached a part where they were talking about vegetarianism and veganism and the treatment of animals, cue some sobbing as I was previously vegetarian due to not feeling "worthy" enough to eat animals and it was only due to my other POTS symptoms that I had to make the difficult decision to start eating meat again but I really, really want to become vegan. If it helps my depression, will the pressure I'm putting myself under lift?, will this in turn help some of my POTS symptoms? Or will I find that I feel worse? My bf is not supportive of this vegetarian/vegan idea. I don't want to cause a fuss and have people judge me as fussy (not that I would think of vegans as fussy).
Anyway, I finally decided I was tired partially I think thanks to taking 15mg of diazepam in one hit as I couldn't control my anxiety (not that I recommend medicating in this way unless it has been agreed between you and your doctor) to get to bed to be told off my bf for coming to bed so late...great! He didn't mean to make me feel worse about myself, I know he has my best interests at heart and didn't want me to wear myself out but he doesn't always know the most constructive way to do this. Suffice to say I finally fell asleep crying quietly.
Let's see what today brings, eh?
J
I knew there was no way I would sleep last night so when the bf went to bed I stayed up reading, writing, thinking. I know the latter wasn't productive but it can't always be helped. I've had so many tips on how to put these thoughts out of my head; mindfulness, delaying tactics, etc but there are times that nothing works and last night was one of them.
I felt like I was the only person in the world who was awake (although obviously I wasn't, I know the concept of time zones and even the fact that there are millions of people in the UK who were probably awake too). I have a couple of friends who say "call me anytime if you need me" but I never can, it's the times where you're at your worst when you need them the most but don't feel good enough to contact them. If the situation was reversed I'd feel awful that they couldn't contact me. Ah my brain!
I even have a friend in the US who I could have contacted but what would I have said?
Instead I buried my head in my book for a while, not the most helpful, as enjoyable as the book is I reached a part where they were talking about vegetarianism and veganism and the treatment of animals, cue some sobbing as I was previously vegetarian due to not feeling "worthy" enough to eat animals and it was only due to my other POTS symptoms that I had to make the difficult decision to start eating meat again but I really, really want to become vegan. If it helps my depression, will the pressure I'm putting myself under lift?, will this in turn help some of my POTS symptoms? Or will I find that I feel worse? My bf is not supportive of this vegetarian/vegan idea. I don't want to cause a fuss and have people judge me as fussy (not that I would think of vegans as fussy).
Anyway, I finally decided I was tired partially I think thanks to taking 15mg of diazepam in one hit as I couldn't control my anxiety (not that I recommend medicating in this way unless it has been agreed between you and your doctor) to get to bed to be told off my bf for coming to bed so late...great! He didn't mean to make me feel worse about myself, I know he has my best interests at heart and didn't want me to wear myself out but he doesn't always know the most constructive way to do this. Suffice to say I finally fell asleep crying quietly.
Let's see what today brings, eh?
J
Tuesday 26 February 2013
Today because that's all I can say TW -ATOS
Having had a dreadful night's sleep due to back pain and anxious thoughts I got up to another lovely grey day.
The post arrived with a "Limited Capability for Work Questionnaire" which caused a panic attack as I had already filled out one document for JobCentrePlus in order to claim some money as my SSP had run out, this one, however, as I'm sure anyone familiar with the UK system asks all sorts of questions about your health and fitness for work all in all to culminate in a face to face assessment - what the point of going through things twice is I'm not sure but if that's how they're spending their money (or should that be my money as I have been paying my taxes since 18!) then that's up to them.
Anyway, the number of questions and thinking about how POTS affects me is overwhelming. My dad gave me the advice of just answering a question a day so I don't overwhelm myself, get more stressed and make myself worse.
Add to this the news that my Grandma died this morning. This may sound awful but to me it was a relief. She had been ill for quite some time and spent most of the past 7 months in hospital and back in July had said she was ready to die and was sick of the pain. I know that feeling well so to think of anyone I love so much to be feeling the same way was heartbreaking. By this last weekend she couldn't see, was being fed liquids via a tube and had no idea who anyone was. I love her to pieces and always will and know that when I'm grieving it is for myself and that it is because I will never see or hug her again but she is better off out of any pain or any further suffering. I also know I have to be strong to support my mum.
So, yes, that's today for you.
Even when you try to do your best to get better there is always a toolbox full of spanners to be thrown at you.
J
The post arrived with a "Limited Capability for Work Questionnaire" which caused a panic attack as I had already filled out one document for JobCentrePlus in order to claim some money as my SSP had run out, this one, however, as I'm sure anyone familiar with the UK system asks all sorts of questions about your health and fitness for work all in all to culminate in a face to face assessment - what the point of going through things twice is I'm not sure but if that's how they're spending their money (or should that be my money as I have been paying my taxes since 18!) then that's up to them.
Anyway, the number of questions and thinking about how POTS affects me is overwhelming. My dad gave me the advice of just answering a question a day so I don't overwhelm myself, get more stressed and make myself worse.
Add to this the news that my Grandma died this morning. This may sound awful but to me it was a relief. She had been ill for quite some time and spent most of the past 7 months in hospital and back in July had said she was ready to die and was sick of the pain. I know that feeling well so to think of anyone I love so much to be feeling the same way was heartbreaking. By this last weekend she couldn't see, was being fed liquids via a tube and had no idea who anyone was. I love her to pieces and always will and know that when I'm grieving it is for myself and that it is because I will never see or hug her again but she is better off out of any pain or any further suffering. I also know I have to be strong to support my mum.
So, yes, that's today for you.
Even when you try to do your best to get better there is always a toolbox full of spanners to be thrown at you.
J
Monday 25 February 2013
Spoon Theory
A fellow POTSer put me on to this link a few years ago. I try to personally explain to people what it's like living with POTS but so many people don't quite get it so I point them in the direction of this wonderful speech given by Christine Miserandino
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jn5IBsm49Rk
J
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jn5IBsm49Rk
J
The beginning...
This isn't my first or only blog, however, I'll come to the reasons behind this later on.
This blog is for my bad days, although not the bad, bad days as anyone out there with any form of dysautonomia or mental illness will testify that on those days there is no way even looking at a laptop is possible.
Anyway, the reason for this blog is in a large part thanks to Rusty Hoe (http://bobisdysautonomia.blogspot.co.uk/) whose blog I stumbled across today and was incredibly well timed as I woke up having a bad day with both my POTS and depression.
Having said both I'm not actually convinced they are separate entities as they both feed each other and leave me feeling like I'm in an endless spiral. It does feel very much like a chicken and egg scenario at times.
Anyway, the reason for having two blogs...sometimes it feels like I live two separate lives. The days that I have lots of energy or spoons (if you don't know about spoon theory there will be a link on my blog) and the days where I basically have few to no spoons. Days where I can look in the mirror and days where if I even glance some part of my reflection I feel an intense rage boiling at myself. So therefore I don't want to taint my blog of things that make me happy with the negativity of my illness.
I know both mental illness and dysautonomia are topics that have a taboo around them as there are some people out there who think one or the other don't exist or that they affect my employability and yes I get ill (but so do a lot of other people with a lot of other different illnesses) but I have managed to get a degree, a postgraduate diploma and have always been in employment since the age of 21. I myself have been embarrassed for far too long about both my conditions and thought I was weak because of them (but didn't think anyone else was weak - it's fun being in my head at times) but quite frankly I am tired of hiding and can't expect others to raise their heads above the parapet if I don't myself.
This is going to have to be a short post as, as I have mentioned this is a bad day blog and just setting this up has actually taken a lot of energy and concentration. If things don't quite follow through or make sense please keep with me, there is a brain fog that decends on me and I lose all track of whatever I'm doing/saying and things become a jumble.
I will try to read this back when my brain is a little fresher and hopefully shine some more light on what it's like to be a 28 year old with a lot going on in her head and her body and trying to explain to people that I have an illness, I'm not crazy and I'm trying to make the most of the cards dealt to me.
J
This blog is for my bad days, although not the bad, bad days as anyone out there with any form of dysautonomia or mental illness will testify that on those days there is no way even looking at a laptop is possible.
Anyway, the reason for this blog is in a large part thanks to Rusty Hoe (http://bobisdysautonomia.blogspot.co.uk/) whose blog I stumbled across today and was incredibly well timed as I woke up having a bad day with both my POTS and depression.
Having said both I'm not actually convinced they are separate entities as they both feed each other and leave me feeling like I'm in an endless spiral. It does feel very much like a chicken and egg scenario at times.
Anyway, the reason for having two blogs...sometimes it feels like I live two separate lives. The days that I have lots of energy or spoons (if you don't know about spoon theory there will be a link on my blog) and the days where I basically have few to no spoons. Days where I can look in the mirror and days where if I even glance some part of my reflection I feel an intense rage boiling at myself. So therefore I don't want to taint my blog of things that make me happy with the negativity of my illness.
I know both mental illness and dysautonomia are topics that have a taboo around them as there are some people out there who think one or the other don't exist or that they affect my employability and yes I get ill (but so do a lot of other people with a lot of other different illnesses) but I have managed to get a degree, a postgraduate diploma and have always been in employment since the age of 21. I myself have been embarrassed for far too long about both my conditions and thought I was weak because of them (but didn't think anyone else was weak - it's fun being in my head at times) but quite frankly I am tired of hiding and can't expect others to raise their heads above the parapet if I don't myself.
This is going to have to be a short post as, as I have mentioned this is a bad day blog and just setting this up has actually taken a lot of energy and concentration. If things don't quite follow through or make sense please keep with me, there is a brain fog that decends on me and I lose all track of whatever I'm doing/saying and things become a jumble.
I will try to read this back when my brain is a little fresher and hopefully shine some more light on what it's like to be a 28 year old with a lot going on in her head and her body and trying to explain to people that I have an illness, I'm not crazy and I'm trying to make the most of the cards dealt to me.
J
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