Well, not literally, my blog has moved to potsynotpotty.wordpress.com. I've just found it easier to use & make user friendly. Sorry for any inconvenience this has caused. I hope you continue to read my posts.
Thank you J x
Tuesday 16 April 2013
Friday 5 April 2013
The balancing act of sleep
Sleep has always been something of a mystery to me.
Apparently as a baby I would wake up at 2am and want to play, not be fed, not have attention, just some sort of stimulation. I drove my mum to the brink of despair! The doctor said I was just an intelligent child (he has since retired) and just leave some toys in my cot for me to play with. It all went well. I wasn't a child who needed to be woken up in the morning, in fact I was up before my parents (but had learnt to entertain myself).
When I got to my teenage years I just couldn't sleep, whether it was the depression, being a typical teenager, whatever, it just always eluded me. I was happy to survive on about 3 hours a night and that was fine...unless I was ill, then I would sleep and sleep.
To a large extent, it's like that now. Although instead of the 3 hours I need 7. Balancing the insomnia that comes along with depression with the need to sleep and collect more spoons is tricky. Under sleep not enough spoons, over sleep strangely not enough spoons.
I woke up at 7am and still a little tired so I thought I'd treat myself to another 40 winks, before I knew it it was 8.45am! Curses for sleeping so long, the extra two hours have made me more tired, headachey & with a general sense of malaise.
I have been productive though & tried out some new bakeware, not as successful as I would have hoped but we'll see how things go once it has been decorated. My main issue pre-decoration is shall I nap or not?
I'm shattered and have big days ahead Sunday, Monday, Tuesday & Wednesday all take me out of the flat. I have a throbbing headache but if I nap will it stop me sleeping later? Will I feel the need to stay up later and get in to some bizarre pattern? Will I make myself ill by not napping now when I am so exhausted? I hate that thoughts like this are constantly running through my head. That in itself makes me tired!
I don't want to change my sleep pattern, getting up between 6am and 7am is ideal to give me a couple of hours of quiet time and I like being in bed for 10pm and reading, then dozing. But then I'll go and use one too many spoons and need more rest or I'll feel edgy and anxious and not sleep so it all gets thrown into chaos.
I just wish sleep was as simple as it was as a child, I went to sleep and got up (bar the odd night terror & sleep walking which I still have today) it was much easier. Although so was life in general. If I tried telling three year old me I'd be worrying about sleeping so much she'd laugh but right now it definitely feels like no laughing matter.
Apparently as a baby I would wake up at 2am and want to play, not be fed, not have attention, just some sort of stimulation. I drove my mum to the brink of despair! The doctor said I was just an intelligent child (he has since retired) and just leave some toys in my cot for me to play with. It all went well. I wasn't a child who needed to be woken up in the morning, in fact I was up before my parents (but had learnt to entertain myself).
When I got to my teenage years I just couldn't sleep, whether it was the depression, being a typical teenager, whatever, it just always eluded me. I was happy to survive on about 3 hours a night and that was fine...unless I was ill, then I would sleep and sleep.
To a large extent, it's like that now. Although instead of the 3 hours I need 7. Balancing the insomnia that comes along with depression with the need to sleep and collect more spoons is tricky. Under sleep not enough spoons, over sleep strangely not enough spoons.
I woke up at 7am and still a little tired so I thought I'd treat myself to another 40 winks, before I knew it it was 8.45am! Curses for sleeping so long, the extra two hours have made me more tired, headachey & with a general sense of malaise.
I have been productive though & tried out some new bakeware, not as successful as I would have hoped but we'll see how things go once it has been decorated. My main issue pre-decoration is shall I nap or not?
I'm shattered and have big days ahead Sunday, Monday, Tuesday & Wednesday all take me out of the flat. I have a throbbing headache but if I nap will it stop me sleeping later? Will I feel the need to stay up later and get in to some bizarre pattern? Will I make myself ill by not napping now when I am so exhausted? I hate that thoughts like this are constantly running through my head. That in itself makes me tired!
I don't want to change my sleep pattern, getting up between 6am and 7am is ideal to give me a couple of hours of quiet time and I like being in bed for 10pm and reading, then dozing. But then I'll go and use one too many spoons and need more rest or I'll feel edgy and anxious and not sleep so it all gets thrown into chaos.
I just wish sleep was as simple as it was as a child, I went to sleep and got up (bar the odd night terror & sleep walking which I still have today) it was much easier. Although so was life in general. If I tried telling three year old me I'd be worrying about sleeping so much she'd laugh but right now it definitely feels like no laughing matter.
Thursday 4 April 2013
Pain, weakness and a little more pain
That basically sums up today. I woke up feeling fresher than I have in quite a while, which was amazing to me having spent a week in a foggy haze. I even got a little reading done!
Then my parents came to take us shopping as yes I still can't move my left arm properly without experiencing intense pain, well it's in pain when it's kept still too but hey that's my life. I was exhausted after spending just 30 minutes doing the weekly shop despite my boyfriend and parents doing the majority, I was basically there to pay.
They then came back for a coffee and I was nearly dropping off. Got a second burst of energy this afternoon but the pain is incredibly intense despite the medication.
So I have taken the afternoon easy as I want to get back in the kitchen soon, or do something productive at least as I feel like such a waste of space at the moment.
The news isn't helping calling everyone on benefits scroungers and unworthy members of society just furthers my depression and of course the cycle of depression and POTS continues. I've never wanted anyone to go through the misery that is depression, anxiety, POTS, etc but now I'm not so sure as the dreadful things some people are saying makes me feel they really need to experience them for themselves! Then maybe they'll understand.
Sorry my posts are still short one handed typing is hardwork!
Then my parents came to take us shopping as yes I still can't move my left arm properly without experiencing intense pain, well it's in pain when it's kept still too but hey that's my life. I was exhausted after spending just 30 minutes doing the weekly shop despite my boyfriend and parents doing the majority, I was basically there to pay.
They then came back for a coffee and I was nearly dropping off. Got a second burst of energy this afternoon but the pain is incredibly intense despite the medication.
So I have taken the afternoon easy as I want to get back in the kitchen soon, or do something productive at least as I feel like such a waste of space at the moment.
The news isn't helping calling everyone on benefits scroungers and unworthy members of society just furthers my depression and of course the cycle of depression and POTS continues. I've never wanted anyone to go through the misery that is depression, anxiety, POTS, etc but now I'm not so sure as the dreadful things some people are saying makes me feel they really need to experience them for themselves! Then maybe they'll understand.
Sorry my posts are still short one handed typing is hardwork!
Wednesday 3 April 2013
What's this? A little energy...finally!
Hello!
Sorry I've been quiet for a few days, although most of you have probably appreciated it :P but after the epic migraine of last week I have had so little energy that I just couldn't even focus to type.
Today Moosey http://thedepressedmoose.com/ gave me some inspiration, if he went to the gym, despite lacking any motivation or energy, I'd have to do something on my to do list - deal!
I started off easy, downloading a podcast. Why would I have such a simple thing on my list? Because my brain is a sieve. I really have no clue what is going on half the time! Then I built it up writing the first draft of my bio for my new website that my brother in law is kindly setting up for me & even bigger coming up with the list of cakes my alter ego (the one who wakes up with plenty of spoons) is going bake for Digging for Dementia http://diggingfordementia.com/ & then coming up with how much the ingredients will cost me & therefore how much she should charge. I'm not charging for my cakes, I just think it's a nicer thing to do than just give money to a charity, give them something from which they can make more money.
Anyway, I did a few other little things off the list so am satisfied with myself (including coming back to my blog). Who knows I may have some energy to read some of the blogs from other people.
It really is frustrating not knowing who I'm going to be tomorrow: depressed, anxious, lively, optimistic, exhausted, happy, in crippling pain, in bearable pain. I never know where the next pain is going to come from, I'm so looking forward to physio on Wednesday, this painful arm business has been going on far too long. I'm also looking forward to seeing Gill for my Schema assessment part 2. I didn't know how I was going to survive for the two weeks in between, but thanks to killer migraine I've not had the energy or capacity to think so I suppose that's one benefit :S.
Ok, so I'm going to pop off and see what some of my fellow bloggers have been up to lately.
Take care.
J x
Sorry I've been quiet for a few days, although most of you have probably appreciated it :P but after the epic migraine of last week I have had so little energy that I just couldn't even focus to type.
Today Moosey http://thedepressedmoose.com/ gave me some inspiration, if he went to the gym, despite lacking any motivation or energy, I'd have to do something on my to do list - deal!
I started off easy, downloading a podcast. Why would I have such a simple thing on my list? Because my brain is a sieve. I really have no clue what is going on half the time! Then I built it up writing the first draft of my bio for my new website that my brother in law is kindly setting up for me & even bigger coming up with the list of cakes my alter ego (the one who wakes up with plenty of spoons) is going bake for Digging for Dementia http://diggingfordementia.com/ & then coming up with how much the ingredients will cost me & therefore how much she should charge. I'm not charging for my cakes, I just think it's a nicer thing to do than just give money to a charity, give them something from which they can make more money.
Anyway, I did a few other little things off the list so am satisfied with myself (including coming back to my blog). Who knows I may have some energy to read some of the blogs from other people.
It really is frustrating not knowing who I'm going to be tomorrow: depressed, anxious, lively, optimistic, exhausted, happy, in crippling pain, in bearable pain. I never know where the next pain is going to come from, I'm so looking forward to physio on Wednesday, this painful arm business has been going on far too long. I'm also looking forward to seeing Gill for my Schema assessment part 2. I didn't know how I was going to survive for the two weeks in between, but thanks to killer migraine I've not had the energy or capacity to think so I suppose that's one benefit :S.
Ok, so I'm going to pop off and see what some of my fellow bloggers have been up to lately.
Take care.
J x
Sunday 31 March 2013
Testing Times
Surrounded by noisy, demanding family does not help me put my new rule in to practise. Had lots of valerian and diazepam. But still so stressed and anxious, toes curling within my slipper boots with anxiety.
"I don't know how you can drink that foul smelling stuff" ie my valerian water, "I'd be scratching at the walls if I didn't". Only my dad seems to understand & identify with me.
Still sitting at my parents' with the whole clan so will leave this for now. Hopefully I'll be able to add more later, in a calmer state.
J x
Ok, so I'm home now and having just read the above realise how selfish, disrespectful & down right rude I sound.
I have the best family in the world, but they are loud, they do interupt me, they don't always listen but they are so supportive (sometime a little too supportive where their anxiety makes me more anxious - hee hee).
Glad to have my feet up at the flat. Had a POTS turn, having been freezing earlier through the day, I suddenly felt faint, when clammy and pale. A lie down, a salty snack and a pint of water later I was ok, tired but ok. Hence now being in bed.
I really do have an amazing family but when so many people get together it can be so tiring but they all appreciate this.
I love my family to bits.
J x
"I don't know how you can drink that foul smelling stuff" ie my valerian water, "I'd be scratching at the walls if I didn't". Only my dad seems to understand & identify with me.
Still sitting at my parents' with the whole clan so will leave this for now. Hopefully I'll be able to add more later, in a calmer state.
J x
Ok, so I'm home now and having just read the above realise how selfish, disrespectful & down right rude I sound.
I have the best family in the world, but they are loud, they do interupt me, they don't always listen but they are so supportive (sometime a little too supportive where their anxiety makes me more anxious - hee hee).
Glad to have my feet up at the flat. Had a POTS turn, having been freezing earlier through the day, I suddenly felt faint, when clammy and pale. A lie down, a salty snack and a pint of water later I was ok, tired but ok. Hence now being in bed.
I really do have an amazing family but when so many people get together it can be so tiring but they all appreciate this.
I love my family to bits.
J x
Saturday 30 March 2013
Eat That Frog
My anxiety levels were high today but I had to go out to the post & really wanted to prepare things for Easter. What to do? What to do? The anxiety and walking to the postbox would use a lot of spoons. The baking would too!
After a conversation with my sister she had told me she had made cakes (although she admitted they may not taste as nice as mine). My mum also had a pudding in for Easter so I thought my spoons should go on going to the postbox, especially with there being no collection on Monday.
My sister told me to just do it and eat that frog:
An old saying is that "If the first thing you do each morning is to eat a live frog, you can go through the day with the satisfaction of knowing that it is probably the worst thing that is going to happen to you all day long!" Your "FROG" is the one thing you are most likely to keep putting off if you don't do something about it now! It is also the one task that can have the greatest positive impact on your life if you do it now.
The frog went down quite nicely with a diazepam. I then decided, as it had used a lot of spoons, there were already puddings and my mum caters for the 5000 I decided I'd have a day of rest and sod Easter. I can always make Hot Cross Buns another day, who says they have to be for Easter alone? I also need the spoons to put up with the rabble tomorrow! And hoping to do a Creme Egg bake a long on Monday. I made a few chocs the other day so people can have those tomorrow but I'm sure they won't mind.
I'm actually quite proud of myself that I have put this new rule into action and instead of "everyone else must come first otherwise I am useless & worthless", I have "tried to put others first but in this case it was not possible and I will provide pudding/cakes for the next occasion". It's a shame as it is something I love doing but my spoons are vital, especially after having fewer after my recent migraine.
I hope all my fellow dysautonomia/chronic illness/MH people are taking it easy this weekend too. Just because it's a longer weekend doesn't mean you can do more.
Give yourself a break.
J xxx
After a conversation with my sister she had told me she had made cakes (although she admitted they may not taste as nice as mine). My mum also had a pudding in for Easter so I thought my spoons should go on going to the postbox, especially with there being no collection on Monday.
My sister told me to just do it and eat that frog:
An old saying is that "If the first thing you do each morning is to eat a live frog, you can go through the day with the satisfaction of knowing that it is probably the worst thing that is going to happen to you all day long!" Your "FROG" is the one thing you are most likely to keep putting off if you don't do something about it now! It is also the one task that can have the greatest positive impact on your life if you do it now.
The frog went down quite nicely with a diazepam. I then decided, as it had used a lot of spoons, there were already puddings and my mum caters for the 5000 I decided I'd have a day of rest and sod Easter. I can always make Hot Cross Buns another day, who says they have to be for Easter alone? I also need the spoons to put up with the rabble tomorrow! And hoping to do a Creme Egg bake a long on Monday. I made a few chocs the other day so people can have those tomorrow but I'm sure they won't mind.
I'm actually quite proud of myself that I have put this new rule into action and instead of "everyone else must come first otherwise I am useless & worthless", I have "tried to put others first but in this case it was not possible and I will provide pudding/cakes for the next occasion". It's a shame as it is something I love doing but my spoons are vital, especially after having fewer after my recent migraine.
I hope all my fellow dysautonomia/chronic illness/MH people are taking it easy this weekend too. Just because it's a longer weekend doesn't mean you can do more.
Give yourself a break.
J xxx
Friday 29 March 2013
Migraines Suck!
Sorry I've been away for a few days & that my posts have focussed mainly on the anxiety & depression symptoms. For the past 2 days I have had the migraine from hell. So again this will be a short post as I don't want to get a headache from looking at the screen for too long.
Basically I think the snow, stress, barometric pressure change brought it on, plus the tiredness after Tuesday!
My senses were all heightenend, I couldn't keep any food down, I was freezing, convulsing, it was horrific, especially at 5am lying passed out on the bathroom floor. Fortunately I had an appointment booked with my GP that evening, my parents had to take me as I couldn't walk without support. My wonderful dad then drove round for an hour trying to find a pharmacy that was open (it was 7.15pm) and had the nasal sumatriptan in.
Thank god it worked, I'm shattered and have a headache but it is such a relief that the other symptoms have gone.
I am still typing one armed by the way! Yeah, POTS is not giving me a break lately!
Anyway, trying to keep positive!
Will be back to regular blogging from tomorrow...I hope!
Once again thanks for reading!
J x
Basically I think the snow, stress, barometric pressure change brought it on, plus the tiredness after Tuesday!
My senses were all heightenend, I couldn't keep any food down, I was freezing, convulsing, it was horrific, especially at 5am lying passed out on the bathroom floor. Fortunately I had an appointment booked with my GP that evening, my parents had to take me as I couldn't walk without support. My wonderful dad then drove round for an hour trying to find a pharmacy that was open (it was 7.15pm) and had the nasal sumatriptan in.
Thank god it worked, I'm shattered and have a headache but it is such a relief that the other symptoms have gone.
I am still typing one armed by the way! Yeah, POTS is not giving me a break lately!
Anyway, trying to keep positive!
Will be back to regular blogging from tomorrow...I hope!
Once again thanks for reading!
J x
Tuesday 26 March 2013
Am I Here?
Day from hell, can't go into details right now as too raw but sitting here, checking Twitter just to keep my mind going, boyfriend sat playing God of War 3 which seems to be violence & porn. I know people aren't mind readers but seriously my eyes are full of tears if he can take his eyes off the naked cyber breasts. Feel invisible, really not helping my worth.
Will fill you in more about my day tomorrow.
Thank you for reading, just having someone "listening" to my self indulgent crap means more than you know!
J x
Will fill you in more about my day tomorrow.
Thank you for reading, just having someone "listening" to my self indulgent crap means more than you know!
J x
Monday 25 March 2013
The Ups & Downs
Why on Earth do I lurch from feeling haapy and optimistic to anxiouspanicky & edgy or even depressed & hopeless. "That's just depression they say". I've always wanted to know more about everything and never accepted "it just is" as an answer. I'm curious. I read just as much non-fiction as fiction. How do things work. What makes one mind work different to another? I've read the textbooks, I know the academic answers but it still just doesn't make sense. I want to know more!
In the meantime I'll keep reading, keep working on my mood journal things, CCI workbooks incase I can some day figure out a pattern. part of me thinks I won't get better until I have all the answers...we will see.
In the meantime I'll keep reading, keep working on my mood journal things, CCI workbooks incase I can some day figure out a pattern. part of me thinks I won't get better until I have all the answers...we will see.
Sunday 24 March 2013
Busy Busy Busy
I have been busy since 8am & keeping at it - have guests coming at 6.30pm!
This will be a quick blog, I may be able to add to it later but there are cakes to be made and me to be made presentable in some shape - hard work I know!
I've found that as soon as I get anxious the kitchen is my saviour, not only am I making the pudding for the visit (it was being made for Sunday Baking Club anyway) but also I have made some choc orange cupcakes! Calmed me down!
Maybe more later...
J
This will be a quick blog, I may be able to add to it later but there are cakes to be made and me to be made presentable in some shape - hard work I know!
I've found that as soon as I get anxious the kitchen is my saviour, not only am I making the pudding for the visit (it was being made for Sunday Baking Club anyway) but also I have made some choc orange cupcakes! Calmed me down!
Maybe more later...
J
Saturday 23 March 2013
Inspirational Lady
http://youtu.be/ANb8E2o9OdU
Please, please watch this video. Ilona is an amazing individual who campaigns against eating disorders of all kinds, not just the "obvious" ones portrayed by the media.
At school I was told I was stupid. I was compared to my sister and my friends who are now mainly doctors, solicitors, barristers, etc. But being told that day in day out by teachers really got to me, gave me low self esteem and this horrible recurring depression and anxiety cycle.
Anyway, one way that I thought I could be as good was to stay skinny, we were taught about Victorian waist sizes in history when we were about 14 and as I was "a late bloomer" I was the only one in the class who had a Victorian sized waist. Ah hah - this could be something I could be better at.
So I skipped breakfast telling my mum I'd get something at school. throw my lunch away or not bother going and then push my dinner around my plate. In my head I was telling myself I just wasn't hungry, didn't want to eat. Part of it was also my depression, not feeling worthy of eating. By the time I left home for Uni I was roughly 6stone and 5'4", I was slim but no one other than my mum commented on it. I got annoyed at her, I wasn't anorexic, I just didn't want to eat, I didn't feel like eating, anorexics have to go to hospital and won't eat anything at all, I ate something every day.
It was only on reading Ilona's article in April's Marie Claire that it clicked, I did have an ED, it was part of my depression but it was still an ED. This month I apologised to my mum and she said she knew, she worried and was pleased I had finally realised it.
I still have moments where I think I should lose weight, but I know I shouldn't I'm healthy, I have a good BMI and as my boyfriend tells me he loves my curves and I love being able to wear dresses and fill them rather than having bones sticking over the top.
Thank you Ilona!
J
Please, please watch this video. Ilona is an amazing individual who campaigns against eating disorders of all kinds, not just the "obvious" ones portrayed by the media.
At school I was told I was stupid. I was compared to my sister and my friends who are now mainly doctors, solicitors, barristers, etc. But being told that day in day out by teachers really got to me, gave me low self esteem and this horrible recurring depression and anxiety cycle.
Anyway, one way that I thought I could be as good was to stay skinny, we were taught about Victorian waist sizes in history when we were about 14 and as I was "a late bloomer" I was the only one in the class who had a Victorian sized waist. Ah hah - this could be something I could be better at.
So I skipped breakfast telling my mum I'd get something at school. throw my lunch away or not bother going and then push my dinner around my plate. In my head I was telling myself I just wasn't hungry, didn't want to eat. Part of it was also my depression, not feeling worthy of eating. By the time I left home for Uni I was roughly 6stone and 5'4", I was slim but no one other than my mum commented on it. I got annoyed at her, I wasn't anorexic, I just didn't want to eat, I didn't feel like eating, anorexics have to go to hospital and won't eat anything at all, I ate something every day.
It was only on reading Ilona's article in April's Marie Claire that it clicked, I did have an ED, it was part of my depression but it was still an ED. This month I apologised to my mum and she said she knew, she worried and was pleased I had finally realised it.
I still have moments where I think I should lose weight, but I know I shouldn't I'm healthy, I have a good BMI and as my boyfriend tells me he loves my curves and I love being able to wear dresses and fill them rather than having bones sticking over the top.
Thank you Ilona!
J
Positivity
Firstly let me apologise that so many of my blogs have been focussing on depression rather than my POTS but it has really taken over lately and I've been lucky enough because of the depression that I've not been going out much to catch germs, get tired and have spent time resting.
Again though things got low last night, I just felt like everything was pointless & I was driving people away. I keep getting new followers & then losing them on Twitter. I often wonder why people start following me and then what I do to drive them away, it's an open profile so why don't they just check it out first? Maybe it's because my Twitter is as diverse as I am, I love reading, writing, baking, I talk about my POTS, my depression, my anxiety, my dwindling faith in any hope of being able to survive and my frustration in politics. Maybe some people are just interested in one thing or another & give up when I talk about something I'm not interested in. I'm not tracking who is/isn't following me - I just have an urge to know why. Also maybe some may like my positive tweets and others may just like seeing someone moody. Who knows? As my therapist has said I can't know what people are thinking. But I still have this self esteem issue as to why? Anyway, as long as those I hold close stick with me then I don't really mind!
Anyway back to the POSITIVITY theme!
In addition to my 15 minute worry time, I'm going to have a 15 minute creative planning time (this may also include a to do list-but never shopping lists or cleaning lists) it's all about fun, positive things to move my life forward. I can't sit & cry every night anymore.
So a few of the things I have to do are:
Keep up with this blog & hopefully make it a bit more user friendly.
Keep writing in general.
Get back on my baking blog, baking email, baking twitter, etc.
Keep up with my mood journal.
Add to my positive book.
Sort out the many bookmarked pages on my computer.
Sort out the favourites on Twitter, which I say I'll read when I have more time!
Sort out my iPod!
There are more but I won't bore you more than I already have! I'm also going to make sure I don't try to over do things, if I don't do all this today (and I won't!) it doesn't make me bad, it makes me human and will save me some spoons for baking tomorrow! I'll do what I can in my own time and be pleased with whatever I have achieved - I started the month using #moosemarch but things got bad and I abandoned all sense of my own achievement.
Instead I will have an achievement list on here - if I can figure out how to have a separate list to just the posts. I do wish I was better with technology - although it is worrying that my mum, dad, their friends, my boyfriend and sister rely on me to help them with tech :-S.
Please keep your eyes peeled for any new updates.
Thanks
J
Again though things got low last night, I just felt like everything was pointless & I was driving people away. I keep getting new followers & then losing them on Twitter. I often wonder why people start following me and then what I do to drive them away, it's an open profile so why don't they just check it out first? Maybe it's because my Twitter is as diverse as I am, I love reading, writing, baking, I talk about my POTS, my depression, my anxiety, my dwindling faith in any hope of being able to survive and my frustration in politics. Maybe some people are just interested in one thing or another & give up when I talk about something I'm not interested in. I'm not tracking who is/isn't following me - I just have an urge to know why. Also maybe some may like my positive tweets and others may just like seeing someone moody. Who knows? As my therapist has said I can't know what people are thinking. But I still have this self esteem issue as to why? Anyway, as long as those I hold close stick with me then I don't really mind!
Anyway back to the POSITIVITY theme!
In addition to my 15 minute worry time, I'm going to have a 15 minute creative planning time (this may also include a to do list-but never shopping lists or cleaning lists) it's all about fun, positive things to move my life forward. I can't sit & cry every night anymore.
So a few of the things I have to do are:
Keep up with this blog & hopefully make it a bit more user friendly.
Keep writing in general.
Get back on my baking blog, baking email, baking twitter, etc.
Keep up with my mood journal.
Add to my positive book.
Sort out the many bookmarked pages on my computer.
Sort out the favourites on Twitter, which I say I'll read when I have more time!
Sort out my iPod!
There are more but I won't bore you more than I already have! I'm also going to make sure I don't try to over do things, if I don't do all this today (and I won't!) it doesn't make me bad, it makes me human and will save me some spoons for baking tomorrow! I'll do what I can in my own time and be pleased with whatever I have achieved - I started the month using #moosemarch but things got bad and I abandoned all sense of my own achievement.
Instead I will have an achievement list on here - if I can figure out how to have a separate list to just the posts. I do wish I was better with technology - although it is worrying that my mum, dad, their friends, my boyfriend and sister rely on me to help them with tech :-S.
Please keep your eyes peeled for any new updates.
Thanks
J
Friday 22 March 2013
WTF is Schema?
Today has not been the best of days. A couple of misunderstandings. Trying to get my mum with her sore throat & still bleeding nose to stop running around, stop talking, sit down & give the phone to my dad. Therapy was weird. My therapist has been fantastic, he has given me so many tips and I was feeling like I was getting so far and now although I have a few ways to handle my anxiety and depression I've still regressed.
Thanks to the NHS we can only have a maximum of 18 sessions and we are very close to the end of these and acknowledges I need more help, so he has recommended I speak to one of his colleagues on Tuesday and then have a kind of farewell round up with him after. I will miss him, he had good tips, was a great support & we really got on.
The idea of schema scares me slightly, all I know is that it's an amalgamation of different therapies and group sessions were mentioned. I am TERRIFIED of group. I had bad experiences of it when I was in Leeds, I am scared of other people judging me, thinking what's she got to be depressed about, etc?
Even thinking about it makes me want to cry. I have to try it. I want to be better. I hate feeling like this and I know it doesn't help my POTS in the slightest. The more depressed and stressed I get the more POTSy I become, the more POTSy I become, the more anxious I become and then the more depressed I become. It is a horrible cycle where I'm afraid to leave the flat, am so dependant on my parents (to a stupid level - I'm 28 FFS), my friends are all married with kids and I am just going backwards.
My arm still hurts, my resting heart rate after lying in bed for 5 hours was 106 bpm which is the lowest it has been in ages (so that's one thing) but when I get up and move it goes beyond the crazy to the point where I am resting in the hall between my bedroom and the front room. I just feel so tired. I feel guilty complaining as I know there are so many other POTS/dysautonomia patients out there who are in worse conditions and have families to look after too, and I seriously take my hat off to them.
My brain does not shut up.
I want to achieve so much. I've made so many lists of things I want to do and achieve and I'm never going to do them.
God, this was all self-indulgent drivel. If anyone has bothered to read this, I'm sorry for wasting your time!
J
Thanks to the NHS we can only have a maximum of 18 sessions and we are very close to the end of these and acknowledges I need more help, so he has recommended I speak to one of his colleagues on Tuesday and then have a kind of farewell round up with him after. I will miss him, he had good tips, was a great support & we really got on.
The idea of schema scares me slightly, all I know is that it's an amalgamation of different therapies and group sessions were mentioned. I am TERRIFIED of group. I had bad experiences of it when I was in Leeds, I am scared of other people judging me, thinking what's she got to be depressed about, etc?
Even thinking about it makes me want to cry. I have to try it. I want to be better. I hate feeling like this and I know it doesn't help my POTS in the slightest. The more depressed and stressed I get the more POTSy I become, the more POTSy I become, the more anxious I become and then the more depressed I become. It is a horrible cycle where I'm afraid to leave the flat, am so dependant on my parents (to a stupid level - I'm 28 FFS), my friends are all married with kids and I am just going backwards.
My arm still hurts, my resting heart rate after lying in bed for 5 hours was 106 bpm which is the lowest it has been in ages (so that's one thing) but when I get up and move it goes beyond the crazy to the point where I am resting in the hall between my bedroom and the front room. I just feel so tired. I feel guilty complaining as I know there are so many other POTS/dysautonomia patients out there who are in worse conditions and have families to look after too, and I seriously take my hat off to them.
My brain does not shut up.
I want to achieve so much. I've made so many lists of things I want to do and achieve and I'm never going to do them.
God, this was all self-indulgent drivel. If anyone has bothered to read this, I'm sorry for wasting your time!
J
Thursday 21 March 2013
Who'd know postboxes could be so traumatic?
I woke up today with energy (a great and rare feeling) so I caught up on some TV and texted my mum ready for her sinus operation.
The energy stayed with me so I thought I'd get some fresh air before the snow comes tomorrow. So Chris & I set off to post two birthday cards. The postbox is less than 0.3 miles away, I used to be able to walk miles, I did Duke of Edinburgh (well most of it until part of my lung collapsed at night in a tent in the middle of a field).
Chris being the one with the bad back is usually the slow one but today it was me, the cold wind prevented me from breathing properly so by the time I got to the postbox I was exhausted. If my dad hadn't been picking my mum up from the hospital I would have been tempted to call him to rescue me, but Chris supported me the 0.3 miles back. Just writing this sounds so stupid! But it really affects me. I think my anxiety just makes things so much worse too as I panic it makes it hard to breathe, my heart races, my bp drops. I stumbled back up the stairs and collapsed on the couch. So lucky to have Chris there to look after me, make my lunch, fetch my tablets, answer the phone, walk my dizzy, wobbly body to the bedroom so I could speak to my dad about my mum's op.
I'm relieved she's doing ok, but her nose is still bleeding nearly 7 hours later :-S I wish I was there to look after her as my dad isn't the best with blood, sick, etc. I reassured her she would be ok and gave her advice - being the nose bleed expert in the family - thanks Ehlers Danlos Syndrome! But she seems in good spirits from the texts she has sent.
I am now resting in bed, waiting until my next dose of painkillers at 9pm. I really need my arm sorting if I'm going to stand a chance of getting any further with my writing. Or indeed write longer blogs, add pics and pick up my baking blog again!
Eheu. Not looking forward to the snow tomorrow. Why does it always snow on my CBT days? Curious fact.
Hopefully I'll have an update again tomorrow, if I'm not worn out!
J
The energy stayed with me so I thought I'd get some fresh air before the snow comes tomorrow. So Chris & I set off to post two birthday cards. The postbox is less than 0.3 miles away, I used to be able to walk miles, I did Duke of Edinburgh (well most of it until part of my lung collapsed at night in a tent in the middle of a field).
Chris being the one with the bad back is usually the slow one but today it was me, the cold wind prevented me from breathing properly so by the time I got to the postbox I was exhausted. If my dad hadn't been picking my mum up from the hospital I would have been tempted to call him to rescue me, but Chris supported me the 0.3 miles back. Just writing this sounds so stupid! But it really affects me. I think my anxiety just makes things so much worse too as I panic it makes it hard to breathe, my heart races, my bp drops. I stumbled back up the stairs and collapsed on the couch. So lucky to have Chris there to look after me, make my lunch, fetch my tablets, answer the phone, walk my dizzy, wobbly body to the bedroom so I could speak to my dad about my mum's op.
I'm relieved she's doing ok, but her nose is still bleeding nearly 7 hours later :-S I wish I was there to look after her as my dad isn't the best with blood, sick, etc. I reassured her she would be ok and gave her advice - being the nose bleed expert in the family - thanks Ehlers Danlos Syndrome! But she seems in good spirits from the texts she has sent.
I am now resting in bed, waiting until my next dose of painkillers at 9pm. I really need my arm sorting if I'm going to stand a chance of getting any further with my writing. Or indeed write longer blogs, add pics and pick up my baking blog again!
Eheu. Not looking forward to the snow tomorrow. Why does it always snow on my CBT days? Curious fact.
Hopefully I'll have an update again tomorrow, if I'm not worn out!
J
Wednesday 20 March 2013
I suppose I'd better get back to it...
Hello again
Sorry I've been so quiet but my arm has been really painful! So now along with the POTS, depression & anxiety meds I'm now on a whole host of painkillers and being referred to physio. Still basically functioning with just my right hand, but quite impressed with what I can do - including baking a cake!
My appointment with my cardiologist is being postponed until I don't know when so just trying to get by day by day with the help of my lovely boyfriend and family.
I know I've said it before but I will improve the design of this blog (somehow) or I may get one of my more technical friends to do it!!!
I've not heard back regarding whether I need to attend an ATOS interview so that cloud is looming over me - trying to do just a 15 minute scheduled worry session as recommended by my therapist & most of the time I'm successful, but other times there is no way on Earth that you can stop thinking!
One cloud that has been lifted is that I've resigned from my job. There was too much pressure from them to either come back too soon or face a capability meeting in which they'd have to dismiss me so I took my own option and resigned. Feel such a sense of relief for it. Not heard from them yet, but trying not to worry about that, my parents are kindly fielding all correspondence.
It is awful when you go into a career like HR in order to help colleagues as much as possible and be an intermediate between them and the business, but HR is more on the side of the business than ever as I'm sure people have noticed the term "HR Business Partner" is used more than ever and they are used as a strategic force. Much like a big map used in WWII pushing ships around with poles, that's what it felt like but doing it with people, regardless of their situation. The HR Manager I worked for had no idea about mental illness, a previous HR member had had one and I'm so appalled about what she said to her that I can't repeat it. The previous two occupants of my role were both driven away by her too. And they actually try to sell themselves as a company who cares! Anyway, rant over.
It is International Happiness Day and ever since I heard that it was going to be today I wondered why we need one day for that? Why not do something to make people happy every day?
I hated singing at school, I hated hymns, I'm tone deaf and just didn't like being forced to sing about things I didn't believe in but this song has stuck with me:
Even when the darkest clouds are in the sky
You mustn't sigh and you mustn't cry
Spread a little happiness as you go by
Please try
What's the use of worrying and feeling blue
When days are long keep on smiling through
Spread a little happiness till dreams come true
Surely you'll be wise to make the best of every blues day
Don't you realize you'll find next Monday or next Tuesday
Your golden shoes day
Even when the darkest clouds are in the sky
You mustn't sigh and you mustn't cry
Spread a little happiness as you go by
I've got a creed for every need
So easy that it must succeed
I'll set it down for you to read
So please, take heed
Keep out the gloom
Let in the sun
That's my advice for everyone
It's only once we pass this way
So day by day
Even when the darkest clouds are in the sky
You mustn't sigh and you mustn't cry
Spread a little happiness as you go by
Please try
What's the use of worrying and feeling blue
When days are long keep on smiling through
Spread a little happiness till dreams come true
Surely you'll be wise to make the best of every blues day
Don't you realize you'll find next Monday or next Tuesday
Your golden shoes day
Even when the darkest clouds are in the sky
You mustn't sigh and you mustn't cry
Spread a little happiness as you go by
(whistling solo)
Surely you'll be wise to make the best of every blues day
Don't you realize you'll find next Monday or next Tuesday
Your golden shoes day
Even when the darkest clouds are in the sky
You mustn't sigh and you mustn't cry
Spread a little happiness as you go by
So despite my anxiety, fear of leaving the house, fear of meeting other people, etc I am determined to spread more happiness. I already smile at people, apologise (maybe too much), let people go in front of me in queues, try to offer support to anyone but I will up my game!
Hopefully my next post will be full of happiness and more plans on what I am going to do with my future.
Take care everybody.
J
Sorry I've been so quiet but my arm has been really painful! So now along with the POTS, depression & anxiety meds I'm now on a whole host of painkillers and being referred to physio. Still basically functioning with just my right hand, but quite impressed with what I can do - including baking a cake!
My appointment with my cardiologist is being postponed until I don't know when so just trying to get by day by day with the help of my lovely boyfriend and family.
I know I've said it before but I will improve the design of this blog (somehow) or I may get one of my more technical friends to do it!!!
I've not heard back regarding whether I need to attend an ATOS interview so that cloud is looming over me - trying to do just a 15 minute scheduled worry session as recommended by my therapist & most of the time I'm successful, but other times there is no way on Earth that you can stop thinking!
One cloud that has been lifted is that I've resigned from my job. There was too much pressure from them to either come back too soon or face a capability meeting in which they'd have to dismiss me so I took my own option and resigned. Feel such a sense of relief for it. Not heard from them yet, but trying not to worry about that, my parents are kindly fielding all correspondence.
It is awful when you go into a career like HR in order to help colleagues as much as possible and be an intermediate between them and the business, but HR is more on the side of the business than ever as I'm sure people have noticed the term "HR Business Partner" is used more than ever and they are used as a strategic force. Much like a big map used in WWII pushing ships around with poles, that's what it felt like but doing it with people, regardless of their situation. The HR Manager I worked for had no idea about mental illness, a previous HR member had had one and I'm so appalled about what she said to her that I can't repeat it. The previous two occupants of my role were both driven away by her too. And they actually try to sell themselves as a company who cares! Anyway, rant over.
It is International Happiness Day and ever since I heard that it was going to be today I wondered why we need one day for that? Why not do something to make people happy every day?
I hated singing at school, I hated hymns, I'm tone deaf and just didn't like being forced to sing about things I didn't believe in but this song has stuck with me:
Even when the darkest clouds are in the sky
You mustn't sigh and you mustn't cry
Spread a little happiness as you go by
Please try
What's the use of worrying and feeling blue
When days are long keep on smiling through
Spread a little happiness till dreams come true
Surely you'll be wise to make the best of every blues day
Don't you realize you'll find next Monday or next Tuesday
Your golden shoes day
Even when the darkest clouds are in the sky
You mustn't sigh and you mustn't cry
Spread a little happiness as you go by
I've got a creed for every need
So easy that it must succeed
I'll set it down for you to read
So please, take heed
Keep out the gloom
Let in the sun
That's my advice for everyone
It's only once we pass this way
So day by day
Even when the darkest clouds are in the sky
You mustn't sigh and you mustn't cry
Spread a little happiness as you go by
Please try
What's the use of worrying and feeling blue
When days are long keep on smiling through
Spread a little happiness till dreams come true
Surely you'll be wise to make the best of every blues day
Don't you realize you'll find next Monday or next Tuesday
Your golden shoes day
Even when the darkest clouds are in the sky
You mustn't sigh and you mustn't cry
Spread a little happiness as you go by
(whistling solo)
Surely you'll be wise to make the best of every blues day
Don't you realize you'll find next Monday or next Tuesday
Your golden shoes day
Even when the darkest clouds are in the sky
You mustn't sigh and you mustn't cry
Spread a little happiness as you go by
So despite my anxiety, fear of leaving the house, fear of meeting other people, etc I am determined to spread more happiness. I already smile at people, apologise (maybe too much), let people go in front of me in queues, try to offer support to anyone but I will up my game!
Hopefully my next post will be full of happiness and more plans on what I am going to do with my future.
Take care everybody.
J
Wednesday 6 March 2013
Falling apart
Well blogging isn't easy one handed!
I woke up on Monday in agony whenever I moved my elbow I felt a shooting pain from my elbow to my fingers. Just another thing to add to the list. My arm is still in a lot of pain and I can't grip anything. Got painkillers and anti-inflammatories from my GP so I'm hoping these work soon. #one of the worst things is knowing I can't drive - just another part of my life stripped away. I know it's not forever but it is frustrating when I'm trying to work on the anxiety and depression symptoms when I'm struggling to do anything physically. I'm so tired I fell asleep at 8pm last night and still feel exhausted, mentally and physically.
I can't face reading, I'm just too tired.
Really praying it's better for the weekend so I can make my mum a cake for Mother's Day!!!
J
I woke up on Monday in agony whenever I moved my elbow I felt a shooting pain from my elbow to my fingers. Just another thing to add to the list. My arm is still in a lot of pain and I can't grip anything. Got painkillers and anti-inflammatories from my GP so I'm hoping these work soon. #one of the worst things is knowing I can't drive - just another part of my life stripped away. I know it's not forever but it is frustrating when I'm trying to work on the anxiety and depression symptoms when I'm struggling to do anything physically. I'm so tired I fell asleep at 8pm last night and still feel exhausted, mentally and physically.
I can't face reading, I'm just too tired.
Really praying it's better for the weekend so I can make my mum a cake for Mother's Day!!!
J
Friday 1 March 2013
Self Harm Awareness Day - TW harm
As today is Self Harm Awareness Day I thought I would share my experiences.
I was aware of depression and self harm as a friend's sister was suffering badly and actually killed herself when we were 11 (her sister was 15) and at the time I couldn't understand how anyone could do that and thought I never would be able to.
I first started self harming when I was 16, I knew something was wrong with how I felt, I tried to talk to people but I was always known for always being happy, never complaining so no one really took me seriously. I don't really remember what made me do it the first time but I felt a horrible emptiness inside. I was disgusted with myself. I was worthless. I deserved to be in pain. I needed to feel something.
I would not advocate it to anyone but to me, at the time it helped. I needed to feel it, the initial cut, the hot feeling on my arm, the blood coming out and cooling it slightly. It calmed me down. It reassured me that I was causing myself pain.
It was something I kept to myself for a year until it was no longer bearable in any way and I felt like I was so close to going further. I confided in a close friend and from there I began my journey into the world of mental healthcare. Obviously all the mental health care workers discouraged it, giving me suggestions as to use ice as this could give the same effect (it didn't).
I could never cut myself in front of people and have been incredibly ashamed of it (although I don't think anyone should be) and hid it from everyone. My bf at Uni helped me by telling me if I had to do it to do it in front of him so he could keep an eye on me - I gave up for quite a while as I didn't want to let him down. There was also a particuarly horrific group therapy session I attended where the boy next to me cut himself in the session, this again made me stop for a while.
I continued to self harm on and off for the next 6 years or so, even after I felt "better" when things got stressful I remembered the release and rush I felt when I cut my arm. It had become an addiction. I kept my cuts clean, in the end it became purely a release mechanism rather than causing myself pain.
I became very good at hiding my cuts as most people do.
When my depression and anxiety reared its ugly head again last year I automatically went to cut, but I found it didn't provide the release I needed. I tried it a second time but again nothing. I was disappointed in a way that I couldn't get the release when I needed it and have struggled to find anything that helps me when I am incredibly anxious or down but I know I am the better for it.
There are so many more advances out there now though, if elefriends.org had existed back then or some of the other charities and places that have become more well known to me over the years maybe I would have chosen a different route.
I'm pleased that I can now talk about this openly and hope others soon can so that it can be a discussion held between two people as commonly as giving advice for preventing a cold.
I hope the day has raised awareness to more people and the Time to Talk campaign gets people to open up to help remove any stigma and let people know there are people out there to help.
J
I was aware of depression and self harm as a friend's sister was suffering badly and actually killed herself when we were 11 (her sister was 15) and at the time I couldn't understand how anyone could do that and thought I never would be able to.
I first started self harming when I was 16, I knew something was wrong with how I felt, I tried to talk to people but I was always known for always being happy, never complaining so no one really took me seriously. I don't really remember what made me do it the first time but I felt a horrible emptiness inside. I was disgusted with myself. I was worthless. I deserved to be in pain. I needed to feel something.
I would not advocate it to anyone but to me, at the time it helped. I needed to feel it, the initial cut, the hot feeling on my arm, the blood coming out and cooling it slightly. It calmed me down. It reassured me that I was causing myself pain.
It was something I kept to myself for a year until it was no longer bearable in any way and I felt like I was so close to going further. I confided in a close friend and from there I began my journey into the world of mental healthcare. Obviously all the mental health care workers discouraged it, giving me suggestions as to use ice as this could give the same effect (it didn't).
I could never cut myself in front of people and have been incredibly ashamed of it (although I don't think anyone should be) and hid it from everyone. My bf at Uni helped me by telling me if I had to do it to do it in front of him so he could keep an eye on me - I gave up for quite a while as I didn't want to let him down. There was also a particuarly horrific group therapy session I attended where the boy next to me cut himself in the session, this again made me stop for a while.
I continued to self harm on and off for the next 6 years or so, even after I felt "better" when things got stressful I remembered the release and rush I felt when I cut my arm. It had become an addiction. I kept my cuts clean, in the end it became purely a release mechanism rather than causing myself pain.
I became very good at hiding my cuts as most people do.
When my depression and anxiety reared its ugly head again last year I automatically went to cut, but I found it didn't provide the release I needed. I tried it a second time but again nothing. I was disappointed in a way that I couldn't get the release when I needed it and have struggled to find anything that helps me when I am incredibly anxious or down but I know I am the better for it.
There are so many more advances out there now though, if elefriends.org had existed back then or some of the other charities and places that have become more well known to me over the years maybe I would have chosen a different route.
I'm pleased that I can now talk about this openly and hope others soon can so that it can be a discussion held between two people as commonly as giving advice for preventing a cold.
I hope the day has raised awareness to more people and the Time to Talk campaign gets people to open up to help remove any stigma and let people know there are people out there to help.
J
Thursday 28 February 2013
Aaaargh
Yesterday afternoon/evening I thought I was getting back on track. I went swimming, I love the water so much that I'm sure I'm part fish, there is an amazing calming influence about it. Also as my doctors won't prescribe me any beta blockers for my tachycardia due to the possibility of lowering my blood pressure exercise training was suggested and swimming is a nice gentle way to do this.
I've always loved swimming, however, I first came across water as a form of therapy for me when I was 17. This was when I was first diagnosed as depressed, I won't go into the whole how it came about here as I will go off on so many tangents that I will forget why I am posting in the first place. Although maybe that's a good idea to get my mind off why I am feeling "aaaargh" in the first place.
Apologies that my blog does turn into a stream of consciousness sometimes.
Anyway, yes, as I was saying, I had been having a particularly bad day, a hell of an Ancient Greek A Level exam (enough to send anyone over the edge) and just felt I couldn't cope. I was in floods of tears and had no clue what to do. I got home and for some reason, I have no idea why, just got in the shower (fully dressed). Ever since when things get too much I try to get to water (although now try not to get my clothes wet) whether it be going to the bathroom and splashing water on my face when I'm feeling anxious out and about or at a friend's house or getting a shower so that my sobbing is eventually washed away by the water from the shower.
Today, however, I woke up and couldn't actually wake up. My body was drained thanks in part to the physical exercise and the other part thanks to my vivid, never ending nightmares. I was back at work, somehow, and everyone was judging me, I'd messed up some work (despite it was my first day back in months!). I should have known it was a dream as I had a red bra on under a white shirt (I would never ever make this faux pas!) At least looking back that part makes me laugh!
I am feeling so edgy today, I wanted to go swimming again today but think my body needs to rest. I can't sit still though, my brain is running a mile a minute, I lost an earring yesterday and am beating myself up about it, the "Limited Capability for Work Questionnaire" is hanging over me like the biggest albatross (I feel about the size of the mice from The Rescuers!).
And breathe...
I am going to have to go and find some Rescue Remedy and try some mindfulness techniques before I literally explode, my heart is beating so fast, my chest hurts and I feel like I'm going to be sick.
Just another day in the POTSy world of JamJar.
J
I've always loved swimming, however, I first came across water as a form of therapy for me when I was 17. This was when I was first diagnosed as depressed, I won't go into the whole how it came about here as I will go off on so many tangents that I will forget why I am posting in the first place. Although maybe that's a good idea to get my mind off why I am feeling "aaaargh" in the first place.
Apologies that my blog does turn into a stream of consciousness sometimes.
Anyway, yes, as I was saying, I had been having a particularly bad day, a hell of an Ancient Greek A Level exam (enough to send anyone over the edge) and just felt I couldn't cope. I was in floods of tears and had no clue what to do. I got home and for some reason, I have no idea why, just got in the shower (fully dressed). Ever since when things get too much I try to get to water (although now try not to get my clothes wet) whether it be going to the bathroom and splashing water on my face when I'm feeling anxious out and about or at a friend's house or getting a shower so that my sobbing is eventually washed away by the water from the shower.
Today, however, I woke up and couldn't actually wake up. My body was drained thanks in part to the physical exercise and the other part thanks to my vivid, never ending nightmares. I was back at work, somehow, and everyone was judging me, I'd messed up some work (despite it was my first day back in months!). I should have known it was a dream as I had a red bra on under a white shirt (I would never ever make this faux pas!) At least looking back that part makes me laugh!
I am feeling so edgy today, I wanted to go swimming again today but think my body needs to rest. I can't sit still though, my brain is running a mile a minute, I lost an earring yesterday and am beating myself up about it, the "Limited Capability for Work Questionnaire" is hanging over me like the biggest albatross (I feel about the size of the mice from The Rescuers!).
And breathe...
I am going to have to go and find some Rescue Remedy and try some mindfulness techniques before I literally explode, my heart is beating so fast, my chest hurts and I feel like I'm going to be sick.
Just another day in the POTSy world of JamJar.
J
Wednesday 27 February 2013
When you're the only one in the world who is awake
Last night was rough. Although for having had a few hours sleep I feel ok.
I knew there was no way I would sleep last night so when the bf went to bed I stayed up reading, writing, thinking. I know the latter wasn't productive but it can't always be helped. I've had so many tips on how to put these thoughts out of my head; mindfulness, delaying tactics, etc but there are times that nothing works and last night was one of them.
I felt like I was the only person in the world who was awake (although obviously I wasn't, I know the concept of time zones and even the fact that there are millions of people in the UK who were probably awake too). I have a couple of friends who say "call me anytime if you need me" but I never can, it's the times where you're at your worst when you need them the most but don't feel good enough to contact them. If the situation was reversed I'd feel awful that they couldn't contact me. Ah my brain!
I even have a friend in the US who I could have contacted but what would I have said?
Instead I buried my head in my book for a while, not the most helpful, as enjoyable as the book is I reached a part where they were talking about vegetarianism and veganism and the treatment of animals, cue some sobbing as I was previously vegetarian due to not feeling "worthy" enough to eat animals and it was only due to my other POTS symptoms that I had to make the difficult decision to start eating meat again but I really, really want to become vegan. If it helps my depression, will the pressure I'm putting myself under lift?, will this in turn help some of my POTS symptoms? Or will I find that I feel worse? My bf is not supportive of this vegetarian/vegan idea. I don't want to cause a fuss and have people judge me as fussy (not that I would think of vegans as fussy).
Anyway, I finally decided I was tired partially I think thanks to taking 15mg of diazepam in one hit as I couldn't control my anxiety (not that I recommend medicating in this way unless it has been agreed between you and your doctor) to get to bed to be told off my bf for coming to bed so late...great! He didn't mean to make me feel worse about myself, I know he has my best interests at heart and didn't want me to wear myself out but he doesn't always know the most constructive way to do this. Suffice to say I finally fell asleep crying quietly.
Let's see what today brings, eh?
J
I knew there was no way I would sleep last night so when the bf went to bed I stayed up reading, writing, thinking. I know the latter wasn't productive but it can't always be helped. I've had so many tips on how to put these thoughts out of my head; mindfulness, delaying tactics, etc but there are times that nothing works and last night was one of them.
I felt like I was the only person in the world who was awake (although obviously I wasn't, I know the concept of time zones and even the fact that there are millions of people in the UK who were probably awake too). I have a couple of friends who say "call me anytime if you need me" but I never can, it's the times where you're at your worst when you need them the most but don't feel good enough to contact them. If the situation was reversed I'd feel awful that they couldn't contact me. Ah my brain!
I even have a friend in the US who I could have contacted but what would I have said?
Instead I buried my head in my book for a while, not the most helpful, as enjoyable as the book is I reached a part where they were talking about vegetarianism and veganism and the treatment of animals, cue some sobbing as I was previously vegetarian due to not feeling "worthy" enough to eat animals and it was only due to my other POTS symptoms that I had to make the difficult decision to start eating meat again but I really, really want to become vegan. If it helps my depression, will the pressure I'm putting myself under lift?, will this in turn help some of my POTS symptoms? Or will I find that I feel worse? My bf is not supportive of this vegetarian/vegan idea. I don't want to cause a fuss and have people judge me as fussy (not that I would think of vegans as fussy).
Anyway, I finally decided I was tired partially I think thanks to taking 15mg of diazepam in one hit as I couldn't control my anxiety (not that I recommend medicating in this way unless it has been agreed between you and your doctor) to get to bed to be told off my bf for coming to bed so late...great! He didn't mean to make me feel worse about myself, I know he has my best interests at heart and didn't want me to wear myself out but he doesn't always know the most constructive way to do this. Suffice to say I finally fell asleep crying quietly.
Let's see what today brings, eh?
J
Tuesday 26 February 2013
Today because that's all I can say TW -ATOS
Having had a dreadful night's sleep due to back pain and anxious thoughts I got up to another lovely grey day.
The post arrived with a "Limited Capability for Work Questionnaire" which caused a panic attack as I had already filled out one document for JobCentrePlus in order to claim some money as my SSP had run out, this one, however, as I'm sure anyone familiar with the UK system asks all sorts of questions about your health and fitness for work all in all to culminate in a face to face assessment - what the point of going through things twice is I'm not sure but if that's how they're spending their money (or should that be my money as I have been paying my taxes since 18!) then that's up to them.
Anyway, the number of questions and thinking about how POTS affects me is overwhelming. My dad gave me the advice of just answering a question a day so I don't overwhelm myself, get more stressed and make myself worse.
Add to this the news that my Grandma died this morning. This may sound awful but to me it was a relief. She had been ill for quite some time and spent most of the past 7 months in hospital and back in July had said she was ready to die and was sick of the pain. I know that feeling well so to think of anyone I love so much to be feeling the same way was heartbreaking. By this last weekend she couldn't see, was being fed liquids via a tube and had no idea who anyone was. I love her to pieces and always will and know that when I'm grieving it is for myself and that it is because I will never see or hug her again but she is better off out of any pain or any further suffering. I also know I have to be strong to support my mum.
So, yes, that's today for you.
Even when you try to do your best to get better there is always a toolbox full of spanners to be thrown at you.
J
The post arrived with a "Limited Capability for Work Questionnaire" which caused a panic attack as I had already filled out one document for JobCentrePlus in order to claim some money as my SSP had run out, this one, however, as I'm sure anyone familiar with the UK system asks all sorts of questions about your health and fitness for work all in all to culminate in a face to face assessment - what the point of going through things twice is I'm not sure but if that's how they're spending their money (or should that be my money as I have been paying my taxes since 18!) then that's up to them.
Anyway, the number of questions and thinking about how POTS affects me is overwhelming. My dad gave me the advice of just answering a question a day so I don't overwhelm myself, get more stressed and make myself worse.
Add to this the news that my Grandma died this morning. This may sound awful but to me it was a relief. She had been ill for quite some time and spent most of the past 7 months in hospital and back in July had said she was ready to die and was sick of the pain. I know that feeling well so to think of anyone I love so much to be feeling the same way was heartbreaking. By this last weekend she couldn't see, was being fed liquids via a tube and had no idea who anyone was. I love her to pieces and always will and know that when I'm grieving it is for myself and that it is because I will never see or hug her again but she is better off out of any pain or any further suffering. I also know I have to be strong to support my mum.
So, yes, that's today for you.
Even when you try to do your best to get better there is always a toolbox full of spanners to be thrown at you.
J
Monday 25 February 2013
Spoon Theory
A fellow POTSer put me on to this link a few years ago. I try to personally explain to people what it's like living with POTS but so many people don't quite get it so I point them in the direction of this wonderful speech given by Christine Miserandino
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jn5IBsm49Rk
J
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jn5IBsm49Rk
J
The beginning...
This isn't my first or only blog, however, I'll come to the reasons behind this later on.
This blog is for my bad days, although not the bad, bad days as anyone out there with any form of dysautonomia or mental illness will testify that on those days there is no way even looking at a laptop is possible.
Anyway, the reason for this blog is in a large part thanks to Rusty Hoe (http://bobisdysautonomia.blogspot.co.uk/) whose blog I stumbled across today and was incredibly well timed as I woke up having a bad day with both my POTS and depression.
Having said both I'm not actually convinced they are separate entities as they both feed each other and leave me feeling like I'm in an endless spiral. It does feel very much like a chicken and egg scenario at times.
Anyway, the reason for having two blogs...sometimes it feels like I live two separate lives. The days that I have lots of energy or spoons (if you don't know about spoon theory there will be a link on my blog) and the days where I basically have few to no spoons. Days where I can look in the mirror and days where if I even glance some part of my reflection I feel an intense rage boiling at myself. So therefore I don't want to taint my blog of things that make me happy with the negativity of my illness.
I know both mental illness and dysautonomia are topics that have a taboo around them as there are some people out there who think one or the other don't exist or that they affect my employability and yes I get ill (but so do a lot of other people with a lot of other different illnesses) but I have managed to get a degree, a postgraduate diploma and have always been in employment since the age of 21. I myself have been embarrassed for far too long about both my conditions and thought I was weak because of them (but didn't think anyone else was weak - it's fun being in my head at times) but quite frankly I am tired of hiding and can't expect others to raise their heads above the parapet if I don't myself.
This is going to have to be a short post as, as I have mentioned this is a bad day blog and just setting this up has actually taken a lot of energy and concentration. If things don't quite follow through or make sense please keep with me, there is a brain fog that decends on me and I lose all track of whatever I'm doing/saying and things become a jumble.
I will try to read this back when my brain is a little fresher and hopefully shine some more light on what it's like to be a 28 year old with a lot going on in her head and her body and trying to explain to people that I have an illness, I'm not crazy and I'm trying to make the most of the cards dealt to me.
J
This blog is for my bad days, although not the bad, bad days as anyone out there with any form of dysautonomia or mental illness will testify that on those days there is no way even looking at a laptop is possible.
Anyway, the reason for this blog is in a large part thanks to Rusty Hoe (http://bobisdysautonomia.blogspot.co.uk/) whose blog I stumbled across today and was incredibly well timed as I woke up having a bad day with both my POTS and depression.
Having said both I'm not actually convinced they are separate entities as they both feed each other and leave me feeling like I'm in an endless spiral. It does feel very much like a chicken and egg scenario at times.
Anyway, the reason for having two blogs...sometimes it feels like I live two separate lives. The days that I have lots of energy or spoons (if you don't know about spoon theory there will be a link on my blog) and the days where I basically have few to no spoons. Days where I can look in the mirror and days where if I even glance some part of my reflection I feel an intense rage boiling at myself. So therefore I don't want to taint my blog of things that make me happy with the negativity of my illness.
I know both mental illness and dysautonomia are topics that have a taboo around them as there are some people out there who think one or the other don't exist or that they affect my employability and yes I get ill (but so do a lot of other people with a lot of other different illnesses) but I have managed to get a degree, a postgraduate diploma and have always been in employment since the age of 21. I myself have been embarrassed for far too long about both my conditions and thought I was weak because of them (but didn't think anyone else was weak - it's fun being in my head at times) but quite frankly I am tired of hiding and can't expect others to raise their heads above the parapet if I don't myself.
This is going to have to be a short post as, as I have mentioned this is a bad day blog and just setting this up has actually taken a lot of energy and concentration. If things don't quite follow through or make sense please keep with me, there is a brain fog that decends on me and I lose all track of whatever I'm doing/saying and things become a jumble.
I will try to read this back when my brain is a little fresher and hopefully shine some more light on what it's like to be a 28 year old with a lot going on in her head and her body and trying to explain to people that I have an illness, I'm not crazy and I'm trying to make the most of the cards dealt to me.
J
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