Aaaargh

Yesterday afternoon/evening I thought I was getting back on track. I went swimming, I love the water so much that I'm sure I'm part fish, there is an amazing calming influence about it. Also as my doctors won't prescribe me any beta blockers for my tachycardia due to the possibility of lowering my blood pressure exercise training was suggested and swimming is a nice gentle way to do this.

I've always loved swimming, however, I first came across water as a form of therapy for me when I was 17. This was when I was first diagnosed as depressed, I won't go into the whole how it came about here as I will go off on so many tangents that I will forget why I am posting in the first place. Although maybe that's a good idea to get my mind off why I am feeling "aaaargh" in the first place.

Apologies that my blog does turn into a stream of consciousness sometimes.

Anyway, yes, as I was saying, I had been having a particularly bad day, a hell of an Ancient Greek A Level exam (enough to send anyone over the edge) and just felt I couldn't cope. I was in floods of tears and had no clue what to do. I got home and for some reason, I have no idea why, just got in the shower (fully dressed). Ever since when things get too much I try to get to water (although now try not to get my clothes wet) whether it be going to the bathroom and splashing water on my face when I'm feeling anxious out and about or at a friend's house or getting a shower so that my sobbing is eventually washed away by the water from the shower.

Today, however, I woke up and couldn't actually wake up. My body was drained thanks in part to the physical exercise and the other part thanks to my vivid, never ending nightmares. I was back at work, somehow, and everyone was judging me, I'd messed up some work (despite it was my first day back in months!). I should have known it was a dream as I had a red bra on under a white shirt (I would never ever make this faux pas!) At least looking back that part makes me laugh!

I am feeling so edgy today, I wanted to go swimming again today but think my body needs to rest. I can't sit still though, my brain is running a mile a minute, I lost an earring yesterday and am beating myself up about it, the "Limited Capability for Work Questionnaire" is hanging over me like the biggest albatross (I feel about the size of the mice from The Rescuers!).

And breathe...

I am going to have to go and find some Rescue Remedy and try some mindfulness techniques before I literally explode, my heart is beating so fast, my chest hurts and I feel like I'm going to be sick.

Just another day in the POTSy world of JamJar. 

J